Swimming in the flood

To be touched, not sexually but with love. To be together in silence, not from being uncomfortable but simply enjoying the presence. To hold each other, not out of fear but out of wholeness. To love, not just to love but to feel complete.

 

I really need to stop this but allowing myself to feel vulnerable again feels too damn liberating and at the same time devastating. What the fuck is going on with me? I know that i get this way sometimes but i always thought that i was past this by now. Life, you are a wonderfully tragic mystery.

Imprint

Where are you?

Breakdown

These constant thoughts of my desperate need for affection is starting to take its toll on me. Im drained, i cant focus, i cant sleep, i cant live. All i can do with my time alone is find different ways to suppress my thoughts and tell myself everything is gonna be okay. I guess Mariah said it best,

 

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
‘Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise ’til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

 

Too much time to think

Im constantly complaining to people about my “me” time, but now that i spent one day completely alone, i hate it. Leaving me alone with my thoughts is a dangerous thing, i dont think of bad things but i just start to realize that im not as independent as i would like to believe i am. I talk this big game about how i dont need anybody, i like being on my own blah blah blah but i guess now i know that its not completely true. I just want to feel loved, intimate love, i want to feel like someone somewhere out there thinks of me constantly, i know thats completely narcissistic but come on, everybody wants to know that somewhere somebody is thinking about them.

Le sigh. I know im not ready for a relationship, i still have things i need to work out but knowing that doesnt keep me from holding my stuffed animal with all my might just to go to sleep and it certainly doesnt keep me from feeling like im dying every time i hear a love song. Oh life, youre such a mind fuck.

Does anyone even read this anymore?

My days feel like theyre getting shorter but in fact they are getting longer. I love having things to do all day, when i get home i feel i can sleep guilt free.

 

On a more personal note: As much as i want another relationship, i know i am not ready for one. I still have a lot of ME stuff to work out. I want to finally be alright with being me and have someone who likes me for me. Gah, IMPRINTING. Ignore that