Farewell

After 8 years, i decided to stop blogging. Thank you all for reading and i hope you all the best in your future endeavors.

 

xoxo

This whole school/work thing is not workin out for me, i need to finish up and quit already. Just a couple more paychecks and im freee The days feel like theyre melting into each other, i cant tell if im fine with it or not. I never know what time it is anymore, i get surprised every time i check. Oh time, you slip through my fingers, so elusive………………… hard to catch.

Consistency

I think my life lacks consistency. It feels like every day is a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes im okay and sometimes i think too much. I was talking to my older cousin and her husband a couple weeks back and they told me they remembered what it was like growing up, they felt like they were at a cross road about everything, kind of testing the waters and seeing which path is right. I admit i do feel a bit lost, well, i feel lost a lot actually. For some reason though, i feel stronger with every path, i should go watch Pocahontas. Brb.

Ive been going to the gym nonstop for the past couple of weeks and i can see a change, its subtle but its there. Not only has this affected me physically it has changed my mentally as well. I feel more confident, more sure of myself and who i am, i know that sounds completely superficial but its just the truth. I feel as if i can conquer the world.

 

For the past couple of days, ive been fighting these feelings i have within me of loneliness. As happy as i currently am, i cant help but feel distraught over the lack of a mate in my life. However, with each passing day i feel it getting easier to get by, though by no means is my desire for a mate lessened, i guess its part of growing up, learning to cope that is. I used to walk around with my nose in the air, believing that i knew everything but for some reason that is no longer the case. I feel like i dont know anything and whats strange is that, i enjoy that feeling. It feels like im a child again, so ready to absorb every experience i come across and learning from it with such speed that its almost a blur. Is this what maturing is like? I hope so because if it is, i dont think i would mind it being like this. Boy, things have certainly changed within me quickly, but as my teacher says, the only thing constant in this world, is change.

Hmm

For some reason i feel different. Its as if my life has changed without me even knowing it. Adjusting to being away from all my friends’ warm smiles and piercing laughter has really gotten to me. I feel so ……..disconnected i guess. I remember when the most important thing to me was my alone time, my time to think and live on my own away from everybody but now that i actually have it, though its only been a couple of days, i feel like im incomplete. I really really really really really really really miss my friends, though sometimes they make me want to jump in front of a speeding car, i guess i’ve come to realize that i cant live without them. I know i seldom say this but, i love my friends, theyre my family, “the family i got to choose” as some people would put it but thinking about it now, i didnt choose them, i guess it was kind of fate that we all got together, complimenting each other so perfectly. Man, i’ve got it bad…… for my friends, that sounds so wrong but that wrong feels so right. I miss them D:

Swimming in the flood

To be touched, not sexually but with love. To be together in silence, not from being uncomfortable but simply enjoying the presence. To hold each other, not out of fear but out of wholeness. To love, not just to love but to feel complete.

 

I really need to stop this but allowing myself to feel vulnerable again feels too damn liberating and at the same time devastating. What the fuck is going on with me? I know that i get this way sometimes but i always thought that i was past this by now. Life, you are a wonderfully tragic mystery.

Imprint

Where are you?

Breakdown

These constant thoughts of my desperate need for affection is starting to take its toll on me. Im drained, i cant focus, i cant sleep, i cant live. All i can do with my time alone is find different ways to suppress my thoughts and tell myself everything is gonna be okay. I guess Mariah said it best,

 

Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
‘Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I’m suffering
So I wear my disguise ’til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

 

Too much time to think

Im constantly complaining to people about my “me” time, but now that i spent one day completely alone, i hate it. Leaving me alone with my thoughts is a dangerous thing, i dont think of bad things but i just start to realize that im not as independent as i would like to believe i am. I talk this big game about how i dont need anybody, i like being on my own blah blah blah but i guess now i know that its not completely true. I just want to feel loved, intimate love, i want to feel like someone somewhere out there thinks of me constantly, i know thats completely narcissistic but come on, everybody wants to know that somewhere somebody is thinking about them.

Le sigh. I know im not ready for a relationship, i still have things i need to work out but knowing that doesnt keep me from holding my stuffed animal with all my might just to go to sleep and it certainly doesnt keep me from feeling like im dying every time i hear a love song. Oh life, youre such a mind fuck.

Does anyone even read this anymore?

My days feel like theyre getting shorter but in fact they are getting longer. I love having things to do all day, when i get home i feel i can sleep guilt free.

 

On a more personal note: As much as i want another relationship, i know i am not ready for one. I still have a lot of ME stuff to work out. I want to finally be alright with being me and have someone who likes me for me. Gah, IMPRINTING. Ignore that